it has been what feels like ages since i have last posted here. 2015 has been a trying year for brian and i, but we are finally feeling on top. we are so so so excited to announce that we are expecting a new baby in april! we are truly over the moon. this baby’s due date is actually one day from bastian’s due date… so hopefully they won’t share birthdays and forever be mad at their parents.
i am 13 weeks pregnant and look more like 20 weeks. the positive to looking bigger sooner is that you can rock the bump that much sooner! this pregnancy i have been pretty nauseous and exhausted. i never actually threw-up but it’s still not fun. i think the lack of energy is more noticeable this time around due to having a very active toddler who always wants me to “chase him”. we haven’t told bastian yet but we are pretty sure he won’t have a clue what’s going on haha.
i have really debated whether or not to disclose our personal struggles this past year, but it almost seems unfair not to talk about our previous babies we have lost. since bastian was about 18 months old, we decided we were ready to grow our family, but we wanted to wait until after the holidays so that we (or i) could really enjoy them :). the first part of the year we became pregnant and we thrilled! two weeks after finding out i was pregnant i started spotting and ended up losing the baby. we were so devastated. it was the most heartbreaking, emptying thing i have ever been through. i wanted to be pregnant so badly again that we decided to try right away. with a miscarriage fresh in my mind, seeing a positive pregnancy test doesn’t give me the same warm feelings it once did. i tried to keep positive and no matter how much i tried to tell myself the odds were on my side, it didn’t help ease my mind.
the fear of seeing red every time i went to the bathroom consumed me. the week of my 8 week appointment i did see red. i was devastated. i called the doctor right away and they got me in the next day. when they did the ultrasound i saw the most amazing little heartbeat i had ever seen. my baby was ok! i was so relieved and was feeling love for our baby more than ever. we walked out of the office with huge smiles and felt so relieved. i was ordered to be on pelvic rest (no working out, lifting anything over 10lbs., rigorous activity). i continued to spot for 2.5 weeks, each week going in for an ultrasound to assure the baby was fine. i saw the baby moving and growing and was feeling positive. once the spotting was done i was just so thankful. two weeks went by, and the spotting started up again. this time it was heavier. again, i went to the doctor right away fearful we had lost the baby. the nurse practitioner tried the doppler and couldn’t find the heartbeat. she left the room to get the ultrasound machine. brian and i were both silent. it felt like ages before she came back. she put the ultrasound machine on my belly and up popped the sweetest little baby. moving, heart beating and ok. again, we felt so relieved.
the next night, we lost our baby. again. i was 12.5 weeks and felt like i had lost everything. we couldn’t understand how that could happen right after we saw our sweet baby moving and kicking. the following days, weeks, months were hard. the most trying and painful days that no parent should have to go through. it’s not fair that these things happen to us, there’s no good explanation or words that make it feel like it will be ok. i was at a very low point in my life where it was hard to fake a smile or get excited for anything. there are so many women and men out there that lose their babies and if it’s happened to you, you will discover out how many people you never knew went through the same loss as you. i am sorry to all the mothers and fathers out there that have endured the loss of their baby. as i write this i cry, because although time has passed and the world has lightened, the pain still is there.
after our last loss, we needed to wait before diving right back into trying to get pregnant again. i needed time to emotionally heal. when my body finally felt ready my mind was right there with it. i was ready and so was brian. this time, that positive pregnancy test meant everything. it meant hope and 9 months of a HAPPY pregnancy and a sweet baby at the end. i was happy and so hopeful. i allowed myself to get excited and not be worried constantly. this pregnancy everything has felt right; no spotting and good test numbers. there was a light at the end of that dark tunnel. i read this article and loved what this woman’s mother told her:
“Not getting excited now won’t protect you later if something goes wrong,” my mother said. “Enjoy it.”
But after spending many years mourning the two babies she lost, my mother had other advice too: “Tell as many people as you like. Tell them now.”
“If something does go wrong,” she told me, “you’re going to need your friends. You’re not going to want to lie about how you’re feeling to everyone in your life.”
so with all the rain comes a rainbow. i don’t want to put a damper on the happy news of a new baby with loss, but it just didn’t feel right not to acknowledge our other little babies. i am really hoping to keep a pregnancy diary on the blog like last time because it’s such a good way to remember every thing that each pregnancy entails. i hope everyone that has had a painful loss can keep their heads up and know there will be happy ending.