feeling guilty

there are days, like yesterday, that i want to pull my hair out. everything seems to NOT be going  my way. bastian won’t sleep, he won’t stop whining, and i feel like i am going bonkers. i get mad and frustrated. i want the day to end so i can have a few moments to myself. after i put bastian to bed that night, i thought i would breathe a sigh of relief, yet instead i had an achy feeling in my heart. as i stared at our video monitor, looking at this sweet little bundle, sleeping soundly in his crib, all i wanted to do was be with him. i instantly missed him. i felt a load of guilt hanging heavy over my shoulders. why had i lost my patience for being mom today? why did i feel like i didn’t want the day to go on? why did i feel mad at my precious baby? this morning as i was rocking him to sleep for a nap, he easily drifted off to sleep. looking at that small mouth pursed around his binkie, my heart ached with love. again, the guilt fled over me and made me want to hold him forever and tell him i would never be upset with him again.

i came down stairs and started telling brian how sweet bastian was being. i instantly had tears dripping down my face. i explained to him how awful i had felt for having feelings of being annoyed, and was just plain sick of being a mom yesterday. i get a frog in my throat just typing those words. he assured me i was human. everyone goes through those days. lack of sleep can lead to a lot of unwanted emotions.

i tell myself that i never want to feel that way again, but i know that i will and i know i will feel the same amount of guilt for it. i hear there are two things that you will forever do being a parent; feel guilty and worry. mother nature works in mysterious ways, because as mad and fed up we can become sometimes, that love only grows stronger. she will give us a rough, hard day and then grant us with a gift of a smile or a sweet coo the next. thank you bastian, for always loving me and giving me a sweet smile when mama needs it.

fall fashion: for baby boys

sweater | jeans | shoes

one-piece | sweater | shoes

cardigan | onesie | leggings

 

sweatshirt | onesie | pants

 

i have been trying to stop the uncontrollable urge to buy more clothes for bastian. with the cooler fall weather approaching the little guy needs some warm clothes! ok, he already has warm clothes…but he may need some more…for special occasions. the outfits that i put together are so adorable i want to buy every single piece! mini things are always cuter aren’t they?!

month by month: 5 months

the littlest man in my life is 5 months old today. he is just so darn amazing i can’t take it. here are some of the things that make bastian, bastian:

• he is really rolling over a lot more now. he has almost figured out how to go from his back to his tummy too!
• he sleeps in his big boy bed! with this change came the change in sleep patterns too. he no longer likes to sleep consistently at night. sometimes we get a good night and sometimes we get a bad night.
• he plays with toys now. he is so cute when he is interested in a toy. he gets mad if we put a toy out of reach and he has to squirm and work to get to it.
• he is really aware of his surroundings now. he will get distracted while eating if someone starts talking or someone new comes into the room.
• he follows with his eyes a lot better now too. he will follow your hand if you are eating or drinking something.
• he doesn’t talk as much as he used to, he doesn’t do his screams that he was doing before, but i attribute that to all the other developmental changes he is going through right now.
• he loves to pick up water bottles, cups, beers (we don’t let him drink them of course), anything that you drink out of and he puts it in his mouth.
• he is actually enjoying tummy time now. he can get his back legs under his body to push off of but hasn’t figured out that his arms can help too.
• he makes the goofiest faces. he has been sucking on his bottom lip and he also sticks his tongue out. i call it his little lizard tongue.
• he laughs out loud. he loves to be tickled.
• he hates car rides…unless someone is in the back seat to keep him company.
• he loves walks and being outside still, and with the cold weather approaching, we are still going to venture outside.
• he loves to be sung to, and loves games like patty cake and the itsy bitsy spider

bastian is becoming his own person and every day he amazes me with the things he is learning. as much as i enjoy him growing up and doing new things, sometimes i just want to snuggle with him and let him sleep in my arms like a newborn. i could listen to that sweet breath in my ear and smell that fuzzy soft hair for hours. oh time goes too fast!

have a snugly weekend

hope everyone has a great weekend. we are going to try to end our week low key and ride it on through sunday. these pictures are from a snuggle (eat mama’s face) session this morning. he is so into touching and eating my face these days…and i don’t mind the slobber!

bash has got a girlfriend

this past weekend bastian got to have a play date with his girlfriend henley. this sweet little girl belongs to my good friend jordin. she is absolutely adorable and i couldn’t get enough of her precious newborn-ness. bash didn’t seem to have much interest in her…but he will someday. especially since they are going to get married when they are older. we had a ton of fun and i can’t wait for them to have another date!

current obsession: ankle booties

one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten

i am currently obsessing over ankle booties. i have a few pairs from seasons past, but with the new styles coming out i feel like i need to add to my collection! i am loving all the buckles, cut-outs, and hidden wedges this season. almost all of these boots are under $100 too! i have a hard time spending a ton of money on shoes that may go out of style in a year or two. the only thing with ankle boots is that i have short legs and the models wearing them in the photos always have toothpick legs…so there is a bit of a reality check about how they look on me and what i can wear them with. well, to hell with toothpick legs, i am going to rock them anyways!

cribs, colds and stress, OH MY!

this week has been kind of hectic at the van bloom household. we recently decided to rip off the band-aid and transition bastian to his big boy crib. he had some rough nights sleeping in his rock’n play and i was at my wit’s end, so i thought, what better time to continue not getting sleep! put that baby in his crib! the first night felt so strange. for the first time in 4 months we were able to watch tv in bed…even though i thought i would love it, i kind of missed him.  (i did sleep really soundly though…zzzz) he woke up twice that night, then once the second night, and that continued for a few days. THEN the little guy realized…”this is permanent mom? oh hell no!” he now has us on our toes as what kind of sleeping bastian we are going to get each night. we have been trying the whole “ferber” method, where you let them cry but keep going into the room to reassure them they are not going to die, each time extending the time you wait to go in. well, when you have a child who knows what they want (to be picked up, nursed…or more like ‘i’m not hungry mom i just want to use you as my pacifier”) then the whole ferber method can be pretty exhausting. i keep thinking, a few more days and this baby will just magically fall asleep himself! but bastian has his own plans. the thing that ferber doesn’t tell you is, when it’s 1 am and you have to go to work the next morning, it could take 1.5 hrs. for your sweet little sleeper to go back to sleep…human pacifier it is 🙂 also, the whole ‘put your baby to bed awake’ thing has just got me perplexed. like whaaa? do you know my child ferber? do you want to come babysit him? i am not that strong, mama needs her z’s. to top it all off, this week i came down with the first cold i have had in about 2 years. i am blaming the lack of sleep + stress for that one. i am finally feeling better and ready to just enjoy this weekend.

ultimately the transition to the crib was easier than i thought it would be. even with all my complaining (please read above in case you missed it) i think it has been for the best. i think maybe i need to do one thing at a time. first conquer the crib, then the unnecessary middle of the night wakings, then the naps. i know that bastian will forever switch up his style to keep me on my toes, so i have to just take a big swig of vodka-cranberry and relax. he is a baby and i am only human. oh the joys of motherhood 🙂 hope everyone has a great weekend!