there are days, like yesterday, that i want to pull my hair out. everything seems to NOT be going my way. bastian won’t sleep, he won’t stop whining, and i feel like i am going bonkers. i get mad and frustrated. i want the day to end so i can have a few moments to myself. after i put bastian to bed that night, i thought i would breathe a sigh of relief, yet instead i had an achy feeling in my heart. as i stared at our video monitor, looking at this sweet little bundle, sleeping soundly in his crib, all i wanted to do was be with him. i instantly missed him. i felt a load of guilt hanging heavy over my shoulders. why had i lost my patience for being mom today? why did i feel like i didn’t want the day to go on? why did i feel mad at my precious baby? this morning as i was rocking him to sleep for a nap, he easily drifted off to sleep. looking at that small mouth pursed around his binkie, my heart ached with love. again, the guilt fled over me and made me want to hold him forever and tell him i would never be upset with him again.
i came down stairs and started telling brian how sweet bastian was being. i instantly had tears dripping down my face. i explained to him how awful i had felt for having feelings of being annoyed, and was just plain sick of being a mom yesterday. i get a frog in my throat just typing those words. he assured me i was human. everyone goes through those days. lack of sleep can lead to a lot of unwanted emotions.
i tell myself that i never want to feel that way again, but i know that i will and i know i will feel the same amount of guilt for it. i hear there are two things that you will forever do being a parent; feel guilty and worry. mother nature works in mysterious ways, because as mad and fed up we can become sometimes, that love only grows stronger. she will give us a rough, hard day and then grant us with a gift of a smile or a sweet coo the next. thank you bastian, for always loving me and giving me a sweet smile when mama needs it.